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What You Really Really Want

July 15, 2010

It may come as a shock to the zero people who read my blog right now, but I don’t think I can really think of a time when I haven’t been dirt broke. This includes when I lived with my mother, way back in the day, because even then I was conscious of money and the lack of it. My family – all of it – worked at the local casino. None of my them have ever really made all that much money, and so I got used to avoiding it entirely.

My mother was very keen on taking me to fancy restaurants and stuff for my birthday and such. Party out of guilt but mostly because I refused to ask for anything. The last time I made a real birthday gift request is far out of my memory. Whenever we would go on one of these escapades, I would scan the menu relentlessly for the cheapest thing. I would often get appetizers or lunch items, just to avoid spending more of my moms money.

This was supposed to be my birthday gift.

Eventually both my parents gave up on me, and I started to get soap every year because I would just never even behave like I was interested in anything.

In the end, I learned how not to want.

As my situation deteriorated over the last few years, my standard for how I want to live has kind of gone down the tubes. I don’t really care how shit my apartment is anymore. Eating nothing but ramen noodles doesn’t really bother me. It’s gotten to the point where I’m truly scared to want things.

All of us broke shmucks have had that kind of moment. Where you’re 90% sure you won’t be able to pay rent this month, and you see something. An xBox, a cook book, a pair of shoes. Anything really. And you look at that thing, and you start to want it. You start to really, really want it. But you stop yourself dead, because you tell yourself that if you decide you want it, you’ll just disappoint yourself. Because you can never have it. Cause your broke.

You give up before you even think of trying to try to start to try trying.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve conditioned yourself not to get emotionally attached to anything. You decide you can’t have it before you even start to like it. Nearly everything becomes an unattainable goal, even if it’s just an ice cream cone. You don’t really, really want it because you don’t really, really need it. And that’s that. You settle for what you have, because if you want what you have, then you have what you want.

Your brain started to protect you from the hurt of not having what you want.

What in your mind should be the line between reasonable (“I need new sneakers anyway… fffttt”) and unreasonable (“I’m going to buy this even though its $600 because I LOVE MJ THAT MUCH”) has become a full on habitual defense mechanism. The same way your body overreacts when you have an allergy, your mind is overreacting to anything that may compromise what might be or might become a fragile emotional balance. It works, and it keeps you safe.

But this protection comes at a price.

Unfortunately, greed is something that makes successful people. No one is going to say that Donald Trump’s sin is sloth. He has lust, gluttony, and greed. He wants. He really, really wants. And instead of worrying about not getting it, he goes out and forces to universe to warp in the direction that leads to him having it. Fuck you Universe, gimme my  fucking lollipop.

Thus, to be successful, you and I need to teach ourselves to want again.

If we ever plan to get out of this trap, we need to start really, really wanting again. In order to force ourselves to get off our lazy asses, we need to have a proper consequence, and not getting what we want is it. We need our material goals back.

Now tell me what you want. What you really, really want.

Go out today, and find something. Something amazing. Something mind blowingly cool. Something expensive. Something lavish.

If it’s a pair of shoes, put them on. If it’s an xBox, go buy Assassins Creed (PS3, Red Dead Redemption, Wii, Smashbrothers). If it’s a cook book, make dinner from it (I’m sure they won’t mind if you “borrow” one of the recipes with the intent of buying).

Feel it. Get to know it. Take it out on a date.

Want it.

And once you have something. Something you really, really want. Something that fits you so perfectly you could cry. Something $200 more expensive than what you could possibly hope to pay.

Go and bloody well get it. Warp the universe in whatever direction leads to you having it.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. DSW permalink
    July 16, 2010 1:17 am

    Moving forward is important; but if they won’t let you work , they owe you money, lots they can’t pay, so make them pay and clothing and things will be less important as the work roles in money.

    • nilda04 permalink*
      July 16, 2010 5:24 pm

      I think you make a good point there. Once things are less desperate the need for material goals (clothing ect) will lessen quite a bit because you won’t constantly be thinking about what you can’t have.

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